meet me or not, i'm out of control
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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