Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
