I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
