I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
