Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
