dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
