Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
