My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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