I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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