when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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