I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize