I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
