Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You did what with his pubic hair?
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