fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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