I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
