i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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