she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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