I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
