I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize