who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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