you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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