I accidentally had phone sex last night
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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