the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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