My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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