i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He passed out mid-signature
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
