I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
