I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
