Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
