I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
