Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
