You're a womanizer and a bitch.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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