he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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