Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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