im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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