I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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