You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
