We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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