I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
