my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
