saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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