I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
