where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
