A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
