in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize