I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
