He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
