well I can't set my house on fire every night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I looked at my own cervix.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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