About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
