I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
being pregnant is like rehab
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
