Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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