you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
