Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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