I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
