i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
