I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
