Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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