Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize