I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
