Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
