Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
