you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
