Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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