Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize