I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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