well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
he had hair everywhere except his balls
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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