he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
