Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
