Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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