my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
