Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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